The Babysitters
by Larten Lover
Summary: What happens when the perfectly innocent Von children are left under the care of Darren Shan, Larten Crepsley and Vancha March? Find out here! Please R&R! Oneshot.


The Babysitters

All of the characters in this story belong to the one, the only, Darren Shan. I do NOT own any of them.

"So, Lilia goes to bed at six, Urcha at seven, and Shancus at nine. Got that?"

Darren Shan had to smile at Evra Von's extremely protective nature over his three children.

"Okay, Evra, I got it. Now go out there and show Merla a good time tonight!"

Evra grinned at Darren, made his way out of the tent, and went with his wife to a romantic picnic under the stars.

Darren stood in the darkened tent, not really sure what to do. Until the flap snapped open and a wary looking Larten Crepsley strode in. He fiddled with his cloak before giving Darren a small smile.

"Good morning, Darren. Ready for tonight, I presume?"

"Ready as I'll ever be. Where are the tykes, anyway?"

As if answering this question, a distant yell of pain rang throughout the camp. Larten and Darren exchanged concerned looks before rushing out of the tent and setting off for the source of the noise.

The pair made it to a tent that was near the back of the Cirque Du Freak. When they went through the flap, Darren burst out in short spells of laughter. Even Larten was sniggering, his face turning as red as his cloak, trying to hide his amusement.

For, in front of them, was Vancha March, tightly gripping his foot and hopping

around like a madman. Around him were three children—one human, two snake-like

--throwing various toys at Vancha, who had now fallen on the floor.

As Urcha was just about to chuck a plastic tractor at Vancha, Larten stepped in and seized the toy before it could do any more damage. 

"Thanks, Larten," Vancha panted, standing up and smoothing his animal hides down.

"I only did it because I did not want the toy to get damaged," Larten smirked, but then ducked sharply as Vancha threw a large, rubber snake at his head.

"Okay guys, c'mon," Darren said, coming between the quarrelling pair. "We're not going to look after some kids by chucking little toys at each other, are we? So, Vancha, you look after Shancus, I'll look after Urcha, Mr Crepsley, you get Lilia."

"What!" Larten exclaimed, taking a step forward. Lilia, the youngest of the Von children, a mere one-year-old, began to cry at his sudden outburst. "Why do I get thebloody baby?"

"Because you hate children," Darren chuckled, trying to be heard over Shancus, who was jumping up and down on the spot, pointing at Larten and shouting "Bad word! Bad word!"

Grumbling, Larten picked up Lilia awkwardly, and stalked out of the tent, quietly shushing the baby who was writhing and wriggling in his arms.

Vancha stood and studied his nails. "So…" he said casually. "What now?"

"I suppose we…entertain them?" Darren said uncertainly, looking at the two boys, who were staring curiously back.

"Well, they look kind of tired to me," Vancha said, tilting his head to get a better look.

At that precise moment, Urcha closed his eyes and yawned. The three-year-old wavered on his behind for a second, before lying back and sniffling in his sleep.

"Well, that's a bit of luck," Darren grinned.

About an hour later, both boys were asleep, and Darren and Vancha had nothing else to do, so they were idly walking around the campsite, the stars overhead casting a bright white glow.

They were chatting about random things, but stopped as they heard some strange noises coming from a battered tent.

The two edged nearer to it and sneaked inside, but then had to cover their mouths with their hands to stop themselves laughing.

Sitting in a high chair was Lilia, but that wasn't the amusing thing. Because above her was a red figure, making extremely strange faces and motions. In one hand was a tub of baby mush, in the other, a small spoon.

"Choo choo," Larten said in an unusually high voice, edging the spoon closer to Lilia's mouth, who was whimpering slightly and turning her head away from the food. "Here comes the choo choo train, open up," Still, Lilia refused entry. Larten tried a different tactic.

"Brrrrrrr," Larten waved his spoon hand in the air, making noises like aeroplanes. "Sir, we have lift-off," he said in a walky-talky kind of voice.

That was enough for Darren and Vancha, who burst out laughing and fell to the floor, clutching their sides. Larten spun around instantly and his eyes widened as he noticed who was there. The spoon and baby mush slipped from his hand.

"Choo choo!" Vancha said, standing up and imitating Larten's actions. "Here comes the choo choo train!"

This made Darren even more hysterical, and he rolled around the floor, tears streaming down his face.

Larten had turned an angry shade of red. "Be quiet!" He snapped, making a pathetic attempt to clean up the mess of baby food on the floor. As he stood up from crouching position, Larten hit his head on the front of the baby high chair. Lilia instantly dropped her sombre mood and clapped her small hands together, giggling wildly.

This made Vancha and Darren laugh even more, and it was a whole five minutes before the two had regained composure.

"I cannot get this baby to eat!" Larten growled to Vancha and Darren, who were still chuckling slightly.

Darren stood and wrinkled his nose. "Maybe that's because she's had a little accident," he said.

Vancha and Larten's face went white. "You mean she's…" Vancha said quietly. Darren nodded sadly.

"I will go and get the waste dispersal units," Larten said, striding out of the tent. Darren hoped that he meant nappies.

And, sure enough, Larten came back two minutes later with a large bag, full with various baby things. Darren pulled out a nappy and a small changing table and laid it carefully on a large, wooden table. He went and got Lilia out of her high chair and set her carefully down on the changing table. Darren looked around and noticed that Vancha and Larten were standing well away, wincing and cowering. Darren rolled his eyes.

"Oh, c'mon!" He yelled, ushering them forward. "You're two fully grown vampires! Surely you can change a _baby?"_

The two men shook their heads quickly.

"_Fine,"_ Darren sighed. "We'll do it together."

And so the trio gathered around the changing table and the baby, who was on her back, sucking her feet and staring at them with wide eyes.

"Okay, here goes nothing…" Darren said, pulling off Lilia's small dress and exposing her nappy. He carefully undid the latch at the side and pulled it off.

All three men turned away and held their noses.

"That's disgusting!" Vancha gasped.

Larten had gone to the corner of the tent and was crouching over, retching for his life.

"Hey, Mr Crepsley," Darren called to him. Larten stood and groaned, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Pass me some talcum powder, will you?"

Larten raised his eyebrows. "Talcum…_what?" _He asked.

Darren sighed irritably, and tried to stop Lilia from moving. "Just get me that white bottle over there!" He snapped, pointing to a container that was jutting out of the baby bag. Larten snatched the bottle and made his way over to Ross, Vancha and the baby, whom were all breathing through their mouths, rather than their noses.

"Can you open it for me?" Darren asked, trying desperately to stop Lilia from wriggling.

Larten fiddled with bottle for a few moments, but then yanked the top of sharply.

Talcum powder shot out of the bottle and straight into his face, making him even more white than usual.

"Ahhh!" Larten shouted as stumbled around the tent, trying to wipe some powder from his face. "My eyes! I cannot see! MY EYES!" He was cut short as he slammed straight into a hammock and got himself caught up in it. He instantly began spinning around, trapped within the hammock's roped grasp. Even under the bad circumstances, Darren and Vancha had to snigger quietly. Lilia was clapping and giggling loudly, amused by the man who was now a red blur, spinning wildly.

After several failed attempts, the trio finally managed to get a fresh nappy on Lilia, who had worn herself out by laughing at Larten so much. Darren quickly fed her, (teasing Larten about his unusual style) and put her to bed, along with her brothers.

The three then went back to their usual tent and slumped into three separate chairs, obviously tired by the night's events.

As Vancha and Darren drunk from mugs of blood, Larten gingerly felt the lump on his head, which he had got from slamming it into the baby chair.

"I have certainly found out something tonight," he said, wincing as he realised just how big the lump was. Vancha and Darren looked at him and waited for him to continue. "I have now found out that I truly hate children."


End file.
